Flashman!

If you've read Tom Brown's Schooldays you'll know of the tale
Of Flashman who caused all the young boys to wail
A bully he was and expelled for his sins
But it was only the start of the story

Old Flash joined the Army - he thought it'd be fun
To wave a sword, whore around, drink by the ton
A fine life to lead but the fates were unkind
They draped him in war and in glory

Flashman! Flashman! He's just saved the day!
And all the while Flashy is running away
Flashman! Flashman! Who history calls
The luckiest bastard of all!

He ran through Afghanistan and tried hard to hide
They called him a hero - everyone else had died
He was at the head of the Light Brigade's Charge
He had frightened his horse with his farting

He's grappled with empires, been ravished by queens
He's travelled through history's corners unseen
Externally brave but all craven within
And soon he'll be quickly departing

Flashman! Flashman! He's just saved the day!
And all the while Flashy is running away
Flashman! Flashman! Who history calls
The luckiest bastard of all!


He's met Zulus and pirates, been at Little Big Horn
Consorted with lowlifes and the noblest born
He's triggered off wars and more mischief besides
He's fought on both Union and Confederate sides

His medals are many but nobody knows
The cunning old sod never reaps what he sows
But the life he has led and what stories he tells
What more is there? Only Flash knows

He may not be steadfast, he may not be strong
He may have a yellow streak several miles long
But for all his faults he's a hero of mine
Because he outruns all his foes

Flashman! Flashman! He's just saved the day!
And all the while Flashy is running away
Flashman! Flashman! Who history calls
The luckiest bastard of all!

So if you like history heed what he writes
He's seen it all through many long days and nights
He knows that nobody's as good as they think
And oftentimes downright ignoble

He sneers at 'em all from the rich to the poor
He admits that he's really a cad and a cur
Just follow his rule to ensure you survive
Stay alert - and always be mobile!

Flashman! Flashman! He's just saved the day!
And all the while Flashy is running away
Flashman! Flashman! Who history calls
The luckiest bastard of all!

The luckiest, randiest
Steal-baby's-candy-est
The luckiest bastard of all!

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